My life was as normal as any 20 something years old, I did the college thing, moved out on my own, life was good. I have wonderful parents and had a wonderful 16 year old brother. I decided one weekend to go visit a friend out of town. As I was driving out of the city, on my way home, my dad called me to tell me that earlier that morning my brother passed away, I was in a complete state of shock, frozen in place not knowing if it was some sick joke or not. All I could do was sit in my car and scream. I needed reassurance that what I was hearing was really the truth. My grandparents confirmed my worst nightmare, seeing as how my grandpa was the one who found my brother.
April 23/2006 approx 10:30 am I lost my younger brother to the choking game. If any of you reading this have heard of it then you know that it achieves a brief high by stopping the flow of oxygen containing blood to the brain. There are many sites out there available on this subject, educate yourself and others to the dangers of this game. We are still unclear as to how the whole situation that morning played out but itís unimportant the end result is still the same. Looking back today, I really donít know my parents and I made the almost 4 hour drive back to our hometown. I guess when you are in such a state of shock you can do anything.
At first I was angry with my brother because we thought it was suicide, I remember my dad asking me ďwas I that bad of a parent?Ē All I could say was ďyou were wonderful you did the best you could.Ē After various conversations with the local RCMP it was then realized that Logan didnít commit suicide, he played the choking game, and the game won. After the discovery, everything became clear, he was too happy of a person. He had long term goals and plans that he was looking forward too.
The days before the funeral were a blur. There were so many people that came to our house. Our community really came together, they were awesome. They brought food to our house. They offered kind words and prayers. Then there were Loganís friends, what an amazing bunch of kids, they all got together and bought each of my parentís rings that said mom and dad, they bought me a locket that has his nickname on the front and his full name on the back.
The visitation was very hard. I didnít want to believe that this was all really happening. I wanted to pull him from his casket only to hold him and tell him I loved and missed him. At some points during the funeral, Iíll admit, I was a little delusional, in my head I kept imagining him opening the lid, sitting up, looking around, and wondering what is going on here? I felt that it was very important for me to speak at the funeral, I wanted to read something just for him, I didnít know what I wanted to say, a friend of mine shared a wonderful poem with me. It took everything I had inside that day to stand in front of almost 600 people and read it without breaking down. I was bound and determined that I was going to do that one last thing for him.
The struggle to be where I am has been a very hard road. Upon dealing with my own hurt, grief and despair, I have also had to remain strong for two parents. I have looked at this situation from many different angles and have realized that Logan must have been a pretty special kid for God to have needed him more in heaven than what we needed him here on earth. I sometimes feel a little cruel with the way I think, when someone cries I think to myself, why are you crying? He is in a far better place that what we are, I remind myself to take a good look at this world and the things that are in it. It can be a pretty awful and scary place sometimes. I remind myself that he is truly okay where he is and nothing can hurt him there. He is with people that love him, and will look after him until we are together. I have drawn a lot of strength from memories of him, as well as family and friends, but mainly God, I am more so a believer now than ever.
I remind myself that this life is not forever and I will see him again, although I will miss him at the many milestones I have yet to come in my life, I really believe that he will be there smiling down on me. I have found many things to believe in and take comfort in. I have done a lot of reading and that has given me strength as well as comfort. At this point in time I just doing the best I can with what I have.
This situation has made me re-evaluate things in my life. I have learned that everything that happens in life is for a reason, we may not always understand it, but someday we will. I choose not to question it, God is a smart man and knows what he is doing. I have learned not to take things for granted as I once did, because it only takes a second for them to be lost forever. I have learned to take time for those that are close to me. I have learned not to be so selfish in my own life. But the most important thing I have learned is that everyone is here until they serve their purpose in life and when that purpose is served God calls you home.
I know that these feelings are never going to go away, but life is a teacher in itself. I intend to learn as much as I can from this situation. My mom told me that God wonít give you more to deal with than what he thinks you can handle. I believe this. I hope my brother knows how much we all miss him, and love him.